Revolting Rhymes

Little Red Riding Hood and the Wolf

As soon as the Wolf began to feel
That he would like a decent meal,
He went and knocked on Gandma’s door.
When Grandma opened it, she saw
The sharp white teeth, the horrid grin.
And Wolfie said, ‘May I come in?’
Poor Grandmamma was terrified,
‘He’s going to eat me up!’ she cried.
And she was absolutely right.
He ate her up in one big bite.
But Grandmamma was small and tough,
And Wolfie wailed, ‘That’s not enough!’
‘I haven’t yet began to fell
‘That I have had a decent meal!’
He ran around the kitchen yelping.
‘I’ve got to have another helping!’
‘Then added with a frightful leer,
‘I’m therefore going to wait right here
‘Till Little Miss Red Riding Hood
‘Comes home from walking in the wood.’
He quickly put on Grandma’s clothes,
(Of course he hadn’t eaten those.)
He dressed himself in coat and hat.
He put on shoes and after that
He even brushed and curled his hair,
Then sat himself in Grandma’s chair.
In came the little girl in red.
She stopped. She stared. And then she said,

‘What a great big ears you have, Gandma.’
‘All the better to hear you with,’ the Wolf replied.
‘What a great big eyes you have, Grandma,’
Said Little red Riding Hood.
‘All the better to see you with,’ the Wolf replied.

He sat the watching her and smiled.
He though, I’m going to eat this child.
Compared with her olg Grandmamma
She’s going to taste like caviare.

Then Little Red Riding Hood said, ‘But Grandma,

what a lovely great big furry coat you have on.’
‘That’s wrong!’ cried Wolf. ‘Have you forgot
‘To tell me what BIG TEETH I’ve got?
‘Ah well, no matter what you say,
‘I’m going to eat you anyway.’
The small girl smiles. One eyelid flickers.
She whips a pistol from her knickers.
She aims it at the creature’s head
And bang bang bang, she shoots him dead.
A few weeks later, in the wood,
I came across Miss Riding Hood.
But what a change! No cloak of red,
No silly hood upon her head.
She said, ‘Hello, and do please note
‘My lovely furry WOLFSKIN COAT.’